Friday, November 5, 2010

Nov 5, 2010

Don't send out the search party; I'm okay.
Life has had the usual ups and downs.
We are heading into divorce and it will likely be long and difficult. Kelly believes that all the assets are hers and all the debt is mine. It is likely we will spend $1000's on legal fees to divide up a relatively modest sum of 15 years of effort. I would just walk away and not waste the cash, except it's not fair tot he kids to not have a home with their dad, just their mom. She won't have as nice a place as she wants (or believes she deserves) but at least I'll have enough for a down payment on a condo.
Day to day has remained the same except that I don't stay over and stopped accepting dinner invitations a month ago. It is just too awkward.
I have asked us to attend counseling together since we can't speak to each other about life or the kids without Kelly getting angry and leaving the room. So far she has refused to anything joint saying any changes have to come from me.
I moved in with a buddy of mine who's wife also left him int eh summer. The kids can stay on the weekends when his kids are with their mom. I see them less overnight, but at least this way they get their own rooms.
I'll keep you better informed but some days it's all I can do to focus on work and the kids without losing my mind.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sept 22, 2010

Kelly told me yesterday she is going to see a counselor. I thought this was a positive step and might lead to agreeing to joint marriage counselling. She is just so volatile and easily depressed. She sees her life as nothing but negative; even more so if she is to be single with no job etc. The problem is she doesn't see this all as her choice.

I gave her all the info for the counselling services payed for through my company.

Taylor and Erin seem to be doing okay despite everything. Both have made friends at school and are doing their work. Erin is loving figure skating and Taylor talks about nothing but football. He is even doing the calisthenics workout the coach sent home. He never did that for hockey.

He has a game up in Nanaimo this weekend, so I'll have at least him with me. Probably have Erin too.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Sept 21, 2010

There are no easy answers. The lawyer was helpful but didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Under the law, all assets and debts are communal and will be divided 50/50. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, parents are awarded joint custody and guardianship, however, one location is deemed the "residence". The non-residential parent then has to contend with access.

If the split is amicable, we can get it done for a couple of thousand dollars. The problem is that Kelly believes that the house is all hers and the debts are all mine, so to complete the divorce, it will likely be a fight and cost thousands. The lawyer recommended mediating first, but wanted a retainer of $5000 to start.

I've been thinking about the whole thing for the past few days. I may have to talk to my parents first.

In the meantime, our relationship has continued pretty much unchanged. Kelly asks me to come over or even stay, then picks a fight and tells me to leave. I try not to put myself in that position, but it's hard to say no if there is a chance we can be civil.

We even went out to the pub for dinner together on Friday. Except she spent most of the time talking about different guys she has been talking to on-line. She wasn't bragging, just telling me funny or odd things they were saying to her. After about 45 minutes I asked if we could talk about something else. She grew cross and said she didn't know what to do about moving forward because she didn't trust me, I replied that I didn't trust her. She said "Fuck Off" and left. I finished my dinner before leaving and going home.

I have had both kids the past three nights. I figure she is off somewhere with somebody.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sept 14, 2010

The weekend in point form:
  • Friday night I stayed for dinner with Kelly and the kids. She didn't want me to go when I left but said she would be looking forward to time together alone the next day.
  • Saturday I did some wiring repairs where I took down that wall last week. She said she was feeling sick and asked if we could have our date another time. I took the kids with me.
  • Kelly called Sunday morning and said maybe we could all hang out on the dock at my place. She asked me to bring Erin over.
  • Never heard from Kelly for rest of day. Taylor and I played tennis and hung out waiting.
  • At 7 PM Erin appeared at my door crying saying mom had just dropped her off. They had a fight about mom spending the afternoon with some other guy at the house. I had no clothes or homework for the kids so would have to take them back to Kelly in the morning for school!
  • Kelly called half an hour later angry that Erin had apparently been rude to her "friend" Craig. I suggested that Erin was upset that the plans for all of us to hang out at my place had been changed.
  • Kelly said she had no such plans, was free to spend time with anyone she wanted, said "Fuck all of you!" and hung up.
  • Monday she sent me an email saying I was poisoning the kids against her. I told her I haven't said a thing but they can see what's going on with their own eyes.
  • She kept the kids last night.
I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sept 10, 2010

Picked up kids after school yesterday and had them both with me last night. Erin didn't want to take the bus from my place so I took her back to her mom's in the morning.

Kelly asked if we could have a "date night" at my place on Sat. Something simple just dinner and a movie. She is going to have the kids stay with her mom that night.

I'm excited, but ready for the whole thing to explode. Especially if she starts drinking.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sept 9, 2010

I'm just trying to keep things simple this week. I had both kids on Tuesday night. I made a tuna casserole with butter cabbage which they both complained about, so I know it was good. Then last night I brought Taylor home from football and we all shared some soup for supper with Kelly at home. Then I took Erin with me for the night about 9 PM. No crazy midnight calls.

Yesterday and today the neighbour has been hammering and sawing int he morning about 10:30. Kelly calls me very cross saying she can't get anything done with the noise (she is writing a novel). However, the bylaws allow for it after 9 AM so there's not much we can do.

It is consistent with her personality to blame other people for a particular circumstance. Scargosun has cleverly pointed this out. Kelly blames her lack of self esteem on her mother (who preferred her younger sister), her father (for being distant then dying when she was 18), her first husband (who apparently didn't support her). She blames her lack of a career on her first inlaws (who she said discouraged her from working), on me (for moving her to Winnipeg where she didn't work) and now on the kids. Plus my mom doesn't like her, but since my parents live in Ontario, I don't know what that has to do with anything.

Curiously, when Kelly's first marriage split up, he wanted to work on it and go to counselling but she refused saying it was all his fault so what could she do? Her solution was to date other people (including me). It was only several years later when he and I became friends that I knew the true extent of the situation. I had thought they were long separated when we met. Turns out he was still living in the house hoping it would work out.

I fear history is repeating itself, but I don't want to give up on her.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sept 7, 2010

I never thought being back at work after a long weekend would be a welcome thing, but under the circumstances, it's a relief. At least I understand the office and all the attached neuroses.

Friday night seemed almost normal. Kelly was having trouble with the wireless function on her lap top, which I fixed. We even slept together Friday night and I had the best sleep I had had in weeks. Saturday morning did not have the expected "anxiety" from Kelly like the previous times we had sex. I was thinking we might be out of the woods. I did some chores then Taylor and I went over to my place to watch the Notre Dame/ Purdue game (Way to go Irish!). He had his first game on Sunday up Island and managed to get in for several plays in the second half.

Sunday evening with Kelly started off fine, like Friday. Dinner, kids' bed time etc. Then she picked a fight with me because the Internet was not working properly. I asked her just to reboot the modem, like you often have to do and she blamed me for getting a poor service when we moved in, how much better Shaw cable had been blah, blah. It was like a crisis for her. But she would rather get angry over the connection than do the simple fix to resolve it. I went back to my place at 11:30.

Monday I came over to get Erin because I was going to put her on the bus this morning for her first day at the new school. Kelly asked me to take down a wall in the garage, which took me 4 hours (but I like that stuff). After that she said she was frustrated because she can't move forward with her own life plans because she has the kids around all the time. In fact, she said she had had them all summer.

I tried to point out the number of nights either one or both of the kids have been with me, and many of the weekends including the ones when she has gone to Vancouver. She go really cross and said I was accusing her of sleeping with other men on her weekends. I got out of there with Erin as fast as I could before it turned really nasty.

Kelly called me at 12:30 asking where the dish soap was! I think she must have been into her second bottle of wine by that point.

Erin looked lovely waiting for the bus this morning. If she was at all nervous, you wouldn't have known.