Friday, November 5, 2010

Nov 5, 2010

Don't send out the search party; I'm okay.
Life has had the usual ups and downs.
We are heading into divorce and it will likely be long and difficult. Kelly believes that all the assets are hers and all the debt is mine. It is likely we will spend $1000's on legal fees to divide up a relatively modest sum of 15 years of effort. I would just walk away and not waste the cash, except it's not fair tot he kids to not have a home with their dad, just their mom. She won't have as nice a place as she wants (or believes she deserves) but at least I'll have enough for a down payment on a condo.
Day to day has remained the same except that I don't stay over and stopped accepting dinner invitations a month ago. It is just too awkward.
I have asked us to attend counseling together since we can't speak to each other about life or the kids without Kelly getting angry and leaving the room. So far she has refused to anything joint saying any changes have to come from me.
I moved in with a buddy of mine who's wife also left him int eh summer. The kids can stay on the weekends when his kids are with their mom. I see them less overnight, but at least this way they get their own rooms.
I'll keep you better informed but some days it's all I can do to focus on work and the kids without losing my mind.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Sept 22, 2010

Kelly told me yesterday she is going to see a counselor. I thought this was a positive step and might lead to agreeing to joint marriage counselling. She is just so volatile and easily depressed. She sees her life as nothing but negative; even more so if she is to be single with no job etc. The problem is she doesn't see this all as her choice.

I gave her all the info for the counselling services payed for through my company.

Taylor and Erin seem to be doing okay despite everything. Both have made friends at school and are doing their work. Erin is loving figure skating and Taylor talks about nothing but football. He is even doing the calisthenics workout the coach sent home. He never did that for hockey.

He has a game up in Nanaimo this weekend, so I'll have at least him with me. Probably have Erin too.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Sept 21, 2010

There are no easy answers. The lawyer was helpful but didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Under the law, all assets and debts are communal and will be divided 50/50. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, parents are awarded joint custody and guardianship, however, one location is deemed the "residence". The non-residential parent then has to contend with access.

If the split is amicable, we can get it done for a couple of thousand dollars. The problem is that Kelly believes that the house is all hers and the debts are all mine, so to complete the divorce, it will likely be a fight and cost thousands. The lawyer recommended mediating first, but wanted a retainer of $5000 to start.

I've been thinking about the whole thing for the past few days. I may have to talk to my parents first.

In the meantime, our relationship has continued pretty much unchanged. Kelly asks me to come over or even stay, then picks a fight and tells me to leave. I try not to put myself in that position, but it's hard to say no if there is a chance we can be civil.

We even went out to the pub for dinner together on Friday. Except she spent most of the time talking about different guys she has been talking to on-line. She wasn't bragging, just telling me funny or odd things they were saying to her. After about 45 minutes I asked if we could talk about something else. She grew cross and said she didn't know what to do about moving forward because she didn't trust me, I replied that I didn't trust her. She said "Fuck Off" and left. I finished my dinner before leaving and going home.

I have had both kids the past three nights. I figure she is off somewhere with somebody.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sept 14, 2010

The weekend in point form:
  • Friday night I stayed for dinner with Kelly and the kids. She didn't want me to go when I left but said she would be looking forward to time together alone the next day.
  • Saturday I did some wiring repairs where I took down that wall last week. She said she was feeling sick and asked if we could have our date another time. I took the kids with me.
  • Kelly called Sunday morning and said maybe we could all hang out on the dock at my place. She asked me to bring Erin over.
  • Never heard from Kelly for rest of day. Taylor and I played tennis and hung out waiting.
  • At 7 PM Erin appeared at my door crying saying mom had just dropped her off. They had a fight about mom spending the afternoon with some other guy at the house. I had no clothes or homework for the kids so would have to take them back to Kelly in the morning for school!
  • Kelly called half an hour later angry that Erin had apparently been rude to her "friend" Craig. I suggested that Erin was upset that the plans for all of us to hang out at my place had been changed.
  • Kelly said she had no such plans, was free to spend time with anyone she wanted, said "Fuck all of you!" and hung up.
  • Monday she sent me an email saying I was poisoning the kids against her. I told her I haven't said a thing but they can see what's going on with their own eyes.
  • She kept the kids last night.
I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sept 10, 2010

Picked up kids after school yesterday and had them both with me last night. Erin didn't want to take the bus from my place so I took her back to her mom's in the morning.

Kelly asked if we could have a "date night" at my place on Sat. Something simple just dinner and a movie. She is going to have the kids stay with her mom that night.

I'm excited, but ready for the whole thing to explode. Especially if she starts drinking.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sept 9, 2010

I'm just trying to keep things simple this week. I had both kids on Tuesday night. I made a tuna casserole with butter cabbage which they both complained about, so I know it was good. Then last night I brought Taylor home from football and we all shared some soup for supper with Kelly at home. Then I took Erin with me for the night about 9 PM. No crazy midnight calls.

Yesterday and today the neighbour has been hammering and sawing int he morning about 10:30. Kelly calls me very cross saying she can't get anything done with the noise (she is writing a novel). However, the bylaws allow for it after 9 AM so there's not much we can do.

It is consistent with her personality to blame other people for a particular circumstance. Scargosun has cleverly pointed this out. Kelly blames her lack of self esteem on her mother (who preferred her younger sister), her father (for being distant then dying when she was 18), her first husband (who apparently didn't support her). She blames her lack of a career on her first inlaws (who she said discouraged her from working), on me (for moving her to Winnipeg where she didn't work) and now on the kids. Plus my mom doesn't like her, but since my parents live in Ontario, I don't know what that has to do with anything.

Curiously, when Kelly's first marriage split up, he wanted to work on it and go to counselling but she refused saying it was all his fault so what could she do? Her solution was to date other people (including me). It was only several years later when he and I became friends that I knew the true extent of the situation. I had thought they were long separated when we met. Turns out he was still living in the house hoping it would work out.

I fear history is repeating itself, but I don't want to give up on her.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sept 7, 2010

I never thought being back at work after a long weekend would be a welcome thing, but under the circumstances, it's a relief. At least I understand the office and all the attached neuroses.

Friday night seemed almost normal. Kelly was having trouble with the wireless function on her lap top, which I fixed. We even slept together Friday night and I had the best sleep I had had in weeks. Saturday morning did not have the expected "anxiety" from Kelly like the previous times we had sex. I was thinking we might be out of the woods. I did some chores then Taylor and I went over to my place to watch the Notre Dame/ Purdue game (Way to go Irish!). He had his first game on Sunday up Island and managed to get in for several plays in the second half.

Sunday evening with Kelly started off fine, like Friday. Dinner, kids' bed time etc. Then she picked a fight with me because the Internet was not working properly. I asked her just to reboot the modem, like you often have to do and she blamed me for getting a poor service when we moved in, how much better Shaw cable had been blah, blah. It was like a crisis for her. But she would rather get angry over the connection than do the simple fix to resolve it. I went back to my place at 11:30.

Monday I came over to get Erin because I was going to put her on the bus this morning for her first day at the new school. Kelly asked me to take down a wall in the garage, which took me 4 hours (but I like that stuff). After that she said she was frustrated because she can't move forward with her own life plans because she has the kids around all the time. In fact, she said she had had them all summer.

I tried to point out the number of nights either one or both of the kids have been with me, and many of the weekends including the ones when she has gone to Vancouver. She go really cross and said I was accusing her of sleeping with other men on her weekends. I got out of there with Erin as fast as I could before it turned really nasty.

Kelly called me at 12:30 asking where the dish soap was! I think she must have been into her second bottle of wine by that point.

Erin looked lovely waiting for the bus this morning. If she was at all nervous, you wouldn't have known.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sept 2, 2010

The yo-yo effect continues. Tuesday night Kelly phoned me about 1 AM (I'm pretty sure she had been drinking) and said she couldn't get to sleep because she was so angry with me. I wasn't sure what she was talking about since we hadn't spoken all day. She said her life sucks because she doesn't have a job and I wouldn't understand because I have a career. She said her first husband had stopped her from working too. (Not true as far I I know because she had a baby not long after they were married and they divorced when he was only 2).

I tried to remind her that the decision to stay home with the kids when they were little was mutual and that for the past several (once Erin was in Grade 3) that I had encouraged her to get out and find something to do for her own interest. She got even angrier and said the kids hate her because I have been accusing her of sleeping with other men. I said I had done no such thing but she hung up. I tried to call back but she never answered. Needless to say, I was pretty tired yesterday morning.

Wednesday I took Taylor to his first football practice and brought him back to his mom. We played badminton with his mom then even hung out in the hot tub after. Nothing was mentioned about the last night phone call. Kelly asked me to pick up Erin from skating while she made dinner.

It was "normal  family" night. Kelly and I watched a movie together and I left at 11:30. She kissed me and asked me to come back again tonight.

I'm meeting with my counsellor tomorrow. I am so confused.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Aug 31, 2010

The kids and I had a nice weekend just hanging out. We watched some movies, swam and fished. They like being at my place; I think it's like a vacation for them. I'm trying to keep a regular pattern of bed-time etc. but it's also the weekend and they don't have their friends here to play with (they don't like me describing it as "playing" any more because they say they are too old to play).

Kelly called around 2 on Sunday afternoon asking if I'd bring the kids early for dinner and stay. She had bought some beer for me and wanted to cook steaks. I sensed a positive shift in momentum. We arrived about 4 and hung out on the back deck in the sun. It was like old times.

About 6:30 the kids and I were getting hungry but Kelly had been inside on the computer for about 15 minutes. I cut up potatoes, seasoned the meat, then did some yard work. By 7 she had not come downstairs so I started cooking. I called her to come to the table at quarter to 8. I sent Erin up to get her mom, but Erin said mom told her to start without her.

Kelly came down about 8:30 after we had finished and were cleaning up the dishes. She was agitated. I asked what was wrong and she said she got edgy if we were getting along too much. I didn't say anything, but didn't think that was it. She didn't eat the plate I left but went to watch TV and refilled her wine glass.

The kids sat with her on the couch but I felt really awkward. I left at 9 saying I had to get up and go to work the next day. Kelly said "And you think I don't work?" I said that wasn't what I meant. Needless to say, she didn't mention anything about inviting me to dinner but me cooking the whole thing and cleaning up.

She sent an email about 3 in the morning saying she couldn't respect herself if she stayed with me. I didn't know how to answer that. I know that not telling her that renovations we did (that she wanted) on the last house couldn't be covered by my income alone and that the mortgage was increasing was wrong, but I don't think it is the sole source of our problems.

I haven't talked to her today.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Aug 27, 2010

The first month of living in my own place is coming to an end. It has been surreal. Not really felt like living on my own either. I have had at least one of the kids most nights, and both of them about a quarter of the time. Plus I have been over at the house for a handful of nights, including a weekend when Kelly was in Vancouver.

I have the place rented for October, but not sure what is happening after that. There has been no change in Kelly's attitude towards reconciliation. I expect that when the kids are back in school next month, there will be new pressures to change the dynamics.

I haven't told my parents about the situation yet. They (especially my mom) don't like Kelly anyway, so I don't need to hear "I told you so". If we ever get back together, I don't want my mom referring to "The summer you left Paul" if she and Kelly ever talk.

The kids and I are planning to spend a quiet weekend at my place. I got them both fishing rods and we can use the dinghy they have here to hang out on the lake.

Not sure what Kelly is doing but at this point, I don't want to know.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Aug 23, 2010

Had a good couple of nights without the kids and no drama from Kelly. She had the kids at a family function on Sat an I guess it depressed her to be there by herself. Her sister is happily married (as we once were) with kids and her brother was there with his girlfriend and she was the only "single". She called me afterwards on my cell, but Brian and I were at the pub, so I didn't hear the call. And frankly, I don't think I would have answered anyway.

Yesterday, I came to the house at lunch get the kids for the afternoon and overnight. Kelly asked me to stay and talk. She was saying she wanted to know what I was planning to do at the end of next month when my 2 month rental is done. I said I hoped that she would want us to be living together again. She said she wanted that too but wasn't sure about her feelings for me.

I asked her to give me a specific about what she was thinking. She couldn't really but did say she was so unhappy with our lives in Winnipeg and was cross that I didn't listen to her enough about moving back. I didn't want to get into it and remind her of all the job interviews and exploratory trips I had taken to find a job here.

I did ask her if she was willing to attend counselling together. She said no, that she didn't think it would do any good to talk about it to anyone.

I'm getting a little sick of Kelly's unwillingness to DO ANYTHING to resolve this. She wants things to be different, to feel something different, but won't do anything to make it change.

This morning she called me at work to let me know the neighbour was up at 7 hammering and sawing. Like I'm supposed to do something about it. And of course I did. I called the by-law office to find out what he noise rules were. Then let her know.

At some point, she is going to have to start doing these things on her own.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Aug 19, 2010

Last night was good. Taylor's team played well but came up short. They are still young enough and goofy enough that is doesn't really matter who wins and looses. We had milk shakes on the way home, watched a little TV together. He called his mom to say goodnight and went to bed.

I have noticed that I have the kids call Kelly when they are with me, but so far she does not have them call to say good night when they are with her. Why is that?

I have both kids tonight and Kelly has asked for them tomorrow to go to a family function at her sister's. She didn't say I was un-invited but it was cellar I was not to be going with her. I wonder how she explains it to her mom? We all really get along; no scary mother-in-law scenarios ever.

Maybe Brian and I will go out Sat night.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Aug 18, 2010

An uneventful night spent at my place alone, without kids. I made a big stir-fry (the kids hate stir-fry so I only make it when I don't have to hear the complaints) and drank nearly 1/2 a bottle of Dr. Pepper (because I didn't have to share any). Picking up Tyler for baseball tonight and bringing him back here for some Father & Son time.

I should clarify my statement yesterday about meeting a woman for coffee. My counselor didn't come right out and suggest it. I was talking about how upset I was that Kelly was "dating" (even though she denies it; she says she is just getting together with friends she meets on-line). He said that her doing that and me not might cause an imbalance in the relationship. That I might resent her for it, or she might be ashamed she did, in the event we reconcile. He asked if I would be comfortable going out with anyone. I said I was not, but he said I didn't have to answer the question, just think about it. Even something as simple as meeting for a coffee and explore how I felt about it.

So far, I don't feel very good about it at all. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Aug 17, 2010

In the past week and a half, things have settled down from the drama of the last post. Taylor has had a baseball practice or game nearly every night. Since I'm assistant coach, I pick him up and often keep him over night. Erin has been staying over with me on the nights that Talyor doesn't except for a couple of nights I've been on my own.The kids say mom is spending alot of time on the internet - I suspect she is on-line dating now.

The first week Kelly wouldn't come to the door at drop off's or pick ups, but near the end of last week she warmed up again. This weekend she went to Vancouver and I stayed in the house. I got alot of the garden work done (weeding, brush cut back, sprinkler replacement and a new clothesline). I went back to my place on Sunday, but made dinner for everyone last night and stayed over.

I slept in the guest bedroom, but Kelly and I did make out after the kids went to bed. Erin is in drama camp this week so I dropped her off before coming into work.

My counselor recommends I meet some women for coffee etc if Kelly is going to be dating. I don't think I can do that.

(Note: Thanks for all the support. I'm keeping my guard up)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Aug 5, 2010

I haven't written for a few days. Too exhausted. Seems I messed up with Kelly and now things may really be over.

On Sunday, we planned to have a date at my new place, watch the Mariners, have a nice dinner etc without the kids. When I picked her up she was dressed nicely and we were both excited. I figured we would have about 30 minutes to relax and have a drink before the ball game started. Unfortunately it was an afternoon game and was already over by the time I turned on the TV.

Kelly was absolutely furious. She said this was something I always do, forget details and one of the reasons she can't stand being with me. I apologized for not considering the schedule would be different on a Sunday and tried to make the best of it. I pointed out we had wine, good food and a lake-view apartment with a hot-tub to ourselves.

She demanded I take her home.

On the way I asked her to reconsider, but she said we could never work it out because of this and that I was a loser. I got mad and slammed my foot down on the accelerator. We drove at a high speed for about half a mile. Kelly was screaming at me to slow down. When my anger subsided, I pulled over and she got out. She ran the rest of the way home.

I called later and Taylor told me that I had tried to kill his mom by driving her into a telephone pole. I said that did not happen, but he hung up.

I haven't heard from the kids since.

Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30, 2010

Last time I wrote, I was saying things were looking up since I put the deposit down on my own 2 month place. Then they went sour when Kelly said she wanted me to take the kids camping or anywhere tonight because she has her friend from Vancouver coming over tonight. I suspected it was a guy-friend and said just that. She admitted it was the high school friend she took the kids boating with but said it was none of my business. I was angry and left to stay at Brian's on Wednesday night.

Then last night she phoned me and asked if we could have "a date" at the new place on Monday and watch the Mariner's game on the big screen (did I mention the apartment had a big screen) and have wine and appetizers etc.) She said maybe it could be like a fresh start for us.

So I need to make me and the kids scarce for 3 nights and get ready for our date. Can I forget the fact that Kelly is spending time with this guy in the meantime? I need to go for a run before my head bursts.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

July 28, 2010

Things are going pretty well. Maybe renting my own place was the best decision yet. Kelly is making plans to come for "overnights" like a honeymoon. I can't blame her; it has a lake view and a hot tub.

Nice to think we can rekindle the flame.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July 27, 2010

We had a great night last night; really connected and a good talk. Kelly and I were in the tub for nearly an hour and discussed what this separation would be. She was happy and sad at the same time I found a place (!) but was glad the kids would have somewhere to go with their own rooms.

Kelly said I would have to be strong when she asks me to move back in when she's lonely. She said she wanted to be sure she wanted me back because she wants me, not just because she is by herself. She said she is still so confused but admitted for the first time that she will need to talk to someone to work it through. However, she is still refusing marriage counselling.

One thing she pointed out was that we have always lived away from friends and family. Now we can be be together where there is a support system. It may be that here on the coast, there will be other distractions that will help our relationship.

Odd that we haven't seen any of our old "joint" friends or family since we moved back.

Monday, July 26, 2010

July 26, 2010

Kelly has decided to stay in Vancouver until tonight. I worked at home int he morning until both kids went over to the neighbours for the afternoon. Kelly will be coming straight from the ferry and get the kids. She said she'd let me know if she wanted me to stay tonight.

It was weird being there this weekend. I missed her being around, but it was nice being in my own space with the kids too. It helped me decide to look at getting a place of my own, at least for a couple of months. I have a couple I'm looking at after work.

I need to give Kelly some time to see what it will be like to live without me. Let's just take it one day at a time. I know we'll be apart for sometime no matter what.

Friday, July 23, 2010

July 23, 2010

I'm not sure how much this journal/blogging is helping; I still feel pretty bummed and confused much of the time. I stayed with Kelly last night. It's great being at the house, like a normal Dad, joking with the kids, doing chores etc.

It's later in the evening, when the distractions are gone, that being with Kelly becomes an issue. I never know what I'm going to get: affectionate wife or bitter ex. And they can swap back and forth in a heartbeat. Actually once Bitter Ex comes out, she's there for the night. If I could keep Kelly from having too much wine, it might slow the onset of Bitter Ex, but if I suggest it, she gets very defensive and says that wine is one of her few remaining pleasures now that life is so complicated.

Kelly is going to Vancouver tonight to stay with a girlfriend for the weekend. I'm looking forward to some one-on-one with the kids and getting some stuff done around the house. I'm installing a new garbage disposal in the kitchen. Then maybe we'll go for a swim at the lake.

I'm putting off looking for my own place for a while.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

July 22, 2010

So the past 2 days have included just about every emotion. Kelly continues to be confused, but tells me she has hope for us since I have shown a willingness to "get better". I'm not sure what was "wrong" with me, and she won't give specifics.

Then she told me that she finds herself attracted to this friend from high school but assures me she has no intent on acting on it, nor would she date him if she started dating other men. Then I found out that while I was at work yesterday, earning money to support her and the kids in a house I'm not welcome in, she took the kids boating with this guy for the afternoon.

When I said I wasn't comfortable with it, Kelly replied I had no right to be jealous and that I can't tell her who she can be friends with. Needless to say I didn't sleep over last night.

The sessions with the counselor at work have been good for getting me to think about what I can control and preparing me to be in a good mental state for what happens.

Kelly emailed me this morning using phrases like "if things don't work out" between us but saying I've been very "sweet and understanding".

I think I need to  find my own place to live for next month and get a little stability. However, that takes me further down the road to being a "single dad". But can't live in denial for ever.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

July 20, 2010

I stayed at Brian's last night and managed to get to sleep before 11 (for once). But Kelly called at 12:30 to say that the smoke detectors kept beeping. They are the kind that are wired in so you can't just pull the battery out. I told her she would need to throw the breaker switch and cut the power to them and I would take a look tonight. She got mad and said she didn't know how to do that.

She said I should be there to help her.

I suppose I was tired, or frustrated, but I said she might have thought of that before she told me she didn't want me to live there.

She hung up.

After that, sleep was a scarce commodity. Even when I'm not there she is hurting me.

In the morning, Brian suggested I just let her sit there on her own for a while and really give her a glimpse into what being a single mom is like. Of course, your friends always say shit like that. He also said I shouldn't give her a dime until the courts force me. Did I mention he had a bitter divorce?

Monday, July 19, 2010

July 19, 2010

The emotional roller coaster continues. The kids and I had a good time camping; we always have. This was their first trip away on the Island and we found a cool waterfall/swimming hole about 2 hours away. Plus the weather was great. Kelly has never come camping, so the kids didn't think it was unusual. Erin asked why I wasn't at home much and Tyler tried to shush her. I guess Kelly hasn't really been telling them much either (even less than she tells me). I told her that mom needs to have some time to herself to get the house in order after them move, and that I'm putting extra time at work, since it's a new job. I don't know how much she accepted, but she's only 11 and seems to still want to believe the best in her parents.

When we got home last night, Kelly was very demonstrative saying how much she missed us all. I was prepared to head back to Brian's for the night, but Kelly asked me to stay. Secretly I was looking forward to going to Brian's because I was beat after sleeping in the tent for 2 nights and I knew staying with Kelly would mean staying up until 2.

Much of our discussion was the same as it's been: Kelly wants to move forward with our relationship but doesn't know how she can.  She won't consider counselling because nothing is her fault. She is confused because she had been convinced the relationship was over, but that I have really shown a willingness to "get better". I actually find that kind of insulting.

Sex was okay, but too late, too tired and she had too much to drink. I'm planning to stay in town tonight and get a decent 8 hours. One thing I have learned about myself is I'm not the nighthawk I thought I was.
Sleepy Paul!

Friday, July 16, 2010

July 16, 2010

The last week may have been one of the toughest. I had thought Kelly's request to "separate" had been because of the commute and her need to spend some time to sort out issues.

Last night Kelly told me she wanted to date other men. It was like the earth fell out from under me. Over the past few days she says she has gone back and forth from being determined to date, to dreading the thought of looking for someone. She has convinced herself that dating will only help make me look good.

I asked her what happens if she meets someone she likes better. She doesn't know.

In the past 2 days, Kelly says she is now really confused. She had understood for nearly 2 years (!) that our marriage was over. She had been looking past it. The thing is, I had no idea it was over at all. I though I was continuing being a good husband and father.

I don't want her to date, and there is nothing I would rather do less than meet some other woman, but I can't tell her not to. It feels like everything is so fragile and one wrong step and I'll shatter the whole thing.

Maybe taking the kids camping will be good. I hope she misses me.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

July 15, 2010

I'm glad I saw the counsellor last night. I find myself going back and forth between being angry and being sad, wanting to take some action to resolve the situation and just cutting all ties. Mostly it's because I'm powerless to affect any change. The decision is entirely Kelly's and she is refusing to got to marriage counselling together.

The counsellor told me last night, "If you are in, you are all the way in. If you are out, your out. There is no half-way, you decide."

I'm in, I know that. I want a marriage with Kelly. I want our family.

I stayed at Brian's last night, but am going to see the kids tonight after work. Kelly has asked me to take them camping for the weekend, and she'll do some stuff around the house and have a break.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July 14, 2010

I’m so confused by the situation with Kelly right now; good thing I’m seeing the counsellor after work tonight.

Yesterday Kelly responded to my email asking if I could come for supper after work. She missed me, the kids missed me etc. I brought some wine and pitched in with the cooking plus I unpacked some more stuff. Kelly wants to paint some of the rooms this weekend. I played badminton with the kids before they went to bed. All was well.

Kelly and I hung out, but it was late since it’s summer and neither kid feels the need to fall asleep before 11 anyway. By midnight I was thinking I needed to go, if I was going, since I had to get to work the next morning. Kelly wanted me to stay, which of course I wanted to do. But I forgot how she reacted on Sunday after we slept together.

Sure enough, same thing. She had had too much wine to really finish. I was exhausted by the time we fell asleep and in the morning, she freaked out again. She said I needed to leave before the kids got up because it would be too confusing for them if I was there since we were separated.

This was the first time she had said that word: separated. I thought I was just giving her some time by herself. What comes next? Dating other people?

Plus I had to go back to Brian’s to get clean clothes before work. Am I supposed to carry a ‘sleep-over bag’ when I go see my wife and kids?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

July 13, 2010

Kelly's tension about spending time with me continued last night. I called after work and she said she didn't want me to come up for the evening. She said she missed me but was too "conflicted" about her feelings to be sure. She said, as hard as it was, she thought it would be best if we did spend the time apart like she has told me right after the move. I asked her how long she thought she needed and she got cross saying she wasn't going to work to a deadline and was tired of me "being in control of the relationship and pushing her around all the time."

I asked her what she meant, like a specific, and she said she never wanted to move to Winnipeg in the first place. I reminded her that we went there because of the job opportunity, but it didn't make any difference.

Kelly said the kids really missed me so she wanted me to plan to see them tonight after work. I asked how she wanted me to do that because they couldn't stay with me at Brian's and it didn't make sense to drive up to take the to McDonald's for an hour then drive back again. She said that was fine and she'd tell the kids I didn't really want to see them and hung up.

I called back three times and got no answer.

This morning when I got to work there was a long email about how much she loved me but didn't feel the same after that day at the bank when she found out how much our mortgage and line of credits were. She felt she needed to save herself and the kids from a life of debt (even though I have the only income and give her my entire pay cheque to manage all the bills and expenses).

Again, I responded requesting we go to marriage counselling together. So far no response, but if she was up late (like 3 or 4 am) it will be a while before she reads it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

July 9, 2010

Just over a week has passed since I arrived with the moving truck, the kids and dogs. Kelly had flown out from Winnipeg a week earlier to get started on painting the house while I finished packing up the truck. The kids and I had a great trip across the Prairies and through the mountains, really feeling the Canadian spirit. In fact, I felt very much like the "husband and provider" pulling into the driveway with all our belongings ready to start our new life in BC. Where she demanded we return five months ago.

So imagine my surprise when, rather than thank me for all the effort of loading the moving truck, towing the minivan and busting my ass driving through an Alberta heat wave (not to mention the pay cut that was necessary to take this new job), Kelly said that once the truck was unpacked she didn't want me to move my clothes in! That she wanted to spend some time not living with me! What the fuck?

Okay, I knew back in Winnipeg she wasn't happy, and had said it was time to come home the Victoria. She said she was going to go whether I came or not. She had been talking to some old friend from high school who 'apparetnly' told her she could move home if she wanted to, and that I wasn't listening.

But that's for another time.

So I've now got this empty moving truck and no place to live. I've been staying at her mom's for the past 2 months while I got settled into the new job and the kids finished school in Manitoba. Plus Kelly got the house sold for a really good price. So much for the recession.

I said I could stay with her mom for a few nights a week and give her some time to settle in. Plus it's a bit of a commute to work from the new house, so I can work late and rack up some overtime. Kelly said she would prefer I didn't stay with her mom because it might be awkward.

"Why awkward? "I asked, since her mom and I get along really well. Better than I do with my own mom.
"Because if I'm there with somebody my mom is going to feel awkward," she said.
Now I've got that sick feeling in my stomach. "Somebody like who?"
"I don't know, but if I see somebody I might want to go to my mom's and use the beach."

Long story short, she apparently wants to see other people and I have a sinking feeling she already has somebody in mind.

So I've been staying with a friend from work who has an empty basement suite for the summer and going up every other night to see Kelly and the kids. And I saw this work-counselor yesterday to get his advice. It actually ended up being more like therapy and he said I should keep a journal of my feelings.

I don't know what is going to happen, but sitting here on a Friday, all I can think is: What happens if my marriage is over? How can I be a father like this? Who am I if I'm no longer a husband? I didn't think I was really very good being a single guy before her, so what does the Paul look like?

Who is Man 2.0?

July 12, 2010

This was a pretty good weekend, all things considered. I stayed at the house with Kelly and the kids. We did more unpacking of boxes and started to tackle the yard. I came up after work on Friday and BBQ’d burgers with the kids and Kelly said for me to stay for the night so I didn’t have to drive up again in the morning. We slept together but didn’t have sex.

Saturday was just like normal, like back in Winnipeg. We had coffee and breakfast all together. Then the day was productive: moving furniture, hanging pictures etc. Tyler mowed the front yard (after I got a new air filter for the mower). Late afternoon, Kelly went to the nursery and bought several flats of flowers while I went to the store for beer and wine.

That night I BBQ’d chicken and corn on the cob and we sat out on the back deck enjoying the sunshine while the kids played badminton. That was a good moment. After the kids went to bed we stayed up until 2 watching movies. Then we made love but it took her forever to cum. I was pretty exhausted and I think she was sort of passing out.

Sunday morning, was weird, right away; it was like everything had changed. Kelly was very agitated and tense. It was like she couldn’t wait to get me out of there. Around 2 PM, she picked a fight with me over a mop I left behind in Winnipeg, like it was the end of the world. It didn‘t matter that I could barely shut the door of the moving truck, and packed way more things that she even asked for.

I said I can just buy another mop and she said this was why we couldn’t be together because we’ll never get out of debt with me always doing this stuff. Am I always leaving mops behind when we move?

I hate that “You always” and “You never” stuff. And she uses it only for bad stuff, not good. I’d like to hear, “You always listen to me,” or “You never raise your voice in anger”.

Anyway, I left to stay with my buddy again, but not before Kelly said I needed to find somewhere to stay where the kids could come too. What does that mean?