Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30, 2010

Last time I wrote, I was saying things were looking up since I put the deposit down on my own 2 month place. Then they went sour when Kelly said she wanted me to take the kids camping or anywhere tonight because she has her friend from Vancouver coming over tonight. I suspected it was a guy-friend and said just that. She admitted it was the high school friend she took the kids boating with but said it was none of my business. I was angry and left to stay at Brian's on Wednesday night.

Then last night she phoned me and asked if we could have "a date" at the new place on Monday and watch the Mariner's game on the big screen (did I mention the apartment had a big screen) and have wine and appetizers etc.) She said maybe it could be like a fresh start for us.

So I need to make me and the kids scarce for 3 nights and get ready for our date. Can I forget the fact that Kelly is spending time with this guy in the meantime? I need to go for a run before my head bursts.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

July 28, 2010

Things are going pretty well. Maybe renting my own place was the best decision yet. Kelly is making plans to come for "overnights" like a honeymoon. I can't blame her; it has a lake view and a hot tub.

Nice to think we can rekindle the flame.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July 27, 2010

We had a great night last night; really connected and a good talk. Kelly and I were in the tub for nearly an hour and discussed what this separation would be. She was happy and sad at the same time I found a place (!) but was glad the kids would have somewhere to go with their own rooms.

Kelly said I would have to be strong when she asks me to move back in when she's lonely. She said she wanted to be sure she wanted me back because she wants me, not just because she is by herself. She said she is still so confused but admitted for the first time that she will need to talk to someone to work it through. However, she is still refusing marriage counselling.

One thing she pointed out was that we have always lived away from friends and family. Now we can be be together where there is a support system. It may be that here on the coast, there will be other distractions that will help our relationship.

Odd that we haven't seen any of our old "joint" friends or family since we moved back.

Monday, July 26, 2010

July 26, 2010

Kelly has decided to stay in Vancouver until tonight. I worked at home int he morning until both kids went over to the neighbours for the afternoon. Kelly will be coming straight from the ferry and get the kids. She said she'd let me know if she wanted me to stay tonight.

It was weird being there this weekend. I missed her being around, but it was nice being in my own space with the kids too. It helped me decide to look at getting a place of my own, at least for a couple of months. I have a couple I'm looking at after work.

I need to give Kelly some time to see what it will be like to live without me. Let's just take it one day at a time. I know we'll be apart for sometime no matter what.

Friday, July 23, 2010

July 23, 2010

I'm not sure how much this journal/blogging is helping; I still feel pretty bummed and confused much of the time. I stayed with Kelly last night. It's great being at the house, like a normal Dad, joking with the kids, doing chores etc.

It's later in the evening, when the distractions are gone, that being with Kelly becomes an issue. I never know what I'm going to get: affectionate wife or bitter ex. And they can swap back and forth in a heartbeat. Actually once Bitter Ex comes out, she's there for the night. If I could keep Kelly from having too much wine, it might slow the onset of Bitter Ex, but if I suggest it, she gets very defensive and says that wine is one of her few remaining pleasures now that life is so complicated.

Kelly is going to Vancouver tonight to stay with a girlfriend for the weekend. I'm looking forward to some one-on-one with the kids and getting some stuff done around the house. I'm installing a new garbage disposal in the kitchen. Then maybe we'll go for a swim at the lake.

I'm putting off looking for my own place for a while.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

July 22, 2010

So the past 2 days have included just about every emotion. Kelly continues to be confused, but tells me she has hope for us since I have shown a willingness to "get better". I'm not sure what was "wrong" with me, and she won't give specifics.

Then she told me that she finds herself attracted to this friend from high school but assures me she has no intent on acting on it, nor would she date him if she started dating other men. Then I found out that while I was at work yesterday, earning money to support her and the kids in a house I'm not welcome in, she took the kids boating with this guy for the afternoon.

When I said I wasn't comfortable with it, Kelly replied I had no right to be jealous and that I can't tell her who she can be friends with. Needless to say I didn't sleep over last night.

The sessions with the counselor at work have been good for getting me to think about what I can control and preparing me to be in a good mental state for what happens.

Kelly emailed me this morning using phrases like "if things don't work out" between us but saying I've been very "sweet and understanding".

I think I need to  find my own place to live for next month and get a little stability. However, that takes me further down the road to being a "single dad". But can't live in denial for ever.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

July 20, 2010

I stayed at Brian's last night and managed to get to sleep before 11 (for once). But Kelly called at 12:30 to say that the smoke detectors kept beeping. They are the kind that are wired in so you can't just pull the battery out. I told her she would need to throw the breaker switch and cut the power to them and I would take a look tonight. She got mad and said she didn't know how to do that.

She said I should be there to help her.

I suppose I was tired, or frustrated, but I said she might have thought of that before she told me she didn't want me to live there.

She hung up.

After that, sleep was a scarce commodity. Even when I'm not there she is hurting me.

In the morning, Brian suggested I just let her sit there on her own for a while and really give her a glimpse into what being a single mom is like. Of course, your friends always say shit like that. He also said I shouldn't give her a dime until the courts force me. Did I mention he had a bitter divorce?

Monday, July 19, 2010

July 19, 2010

The emotional roller coaster continues. The kids and I had a good time camping; we always have. This was their first trip away on the Island and we found a cool waterfall/swimming hole about 2 hours away. Plus the weather was great. Kelly has never come camping, so the kids didn't think it was unusual. Erin asked why I wasn't at home much and Tyler tried to shush her. I guess Kelly hasn't really been telling them much either (even less than she tells me). I told her that mom needs to have some time to herself to get the house in order after them move, and that I'm putting extra time at work, since it's a new job. I don't know how much she accepted, but she's only 11 and seems to still want to believe the best in her parents.

When we got home last night, Kelly was very demonstrative saying how much she missed us all. I was prepared to head back to Brian's for the night, but Kelly asked me to stay. Secretly I was looking forward to going to Brian's because I was beat after sleeping in the tent for 2 nights and I knew staying with Kelly would mean staying up until 2.

Much of our discussion was the same as it's been: Kelly wants to move forward with our relationship but doesn't know how she can.  She won't consider counselling because nothing is her fault. She is confused because she had been convinced the relationship was over, but that I have really shown a willingness to "get better". I actually find that kind of insulting.

Sex was okay, but too late, too tired and she had too much to drink. I'm planning to stay in town tonight and get a decent 8 hours. One thing I have learned about myself is I'm not the nighthawk I thought I was.
Sleepy Paul!

Friday, July 16, 2010

July 16, 2010

The last week may have been one of the toughest. I had thought Kelly's request to "separate" had been because of the commute and her need to spend some time to sort out issues.

Last night Kelly told me she wanted to date other men. It was like the earth fell out from under me. Over the past few days she says she has gone back and forth from being determined to date, to dreading the thought of looking for someone. She has convinced herself that dating will only help make me look good.

I asked her what happens if she meets someone she likes better. She doesn't know.

In the past 2 days, Kelly says she is now really confused. She had understood for nearly 2 years (!) that our marriage was over. She had been looking past it. The thing is, I had no idea it was over at all. I though I was continuing being a good husband and father.

I don't want her to date, and there is nothing I would rather do less than meet some other woman, but I can't tell her not to. It feels like everything is so fragile and one wrong step and I'll shatter the whole thing.

Maybe taking the kids camping will be good. I hope she misses me.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

July 15, 2010

I'm glad I saw the counsellor last night. I find myself going back and forth between being angry and being sad, wanting to take some action to resolve the situation and just cutting all ties. Mostly it's because I'm powerless to affect any change. The decision is entirely Kelly's and she is refusing to got to marriage counselling together.

The counsellor told me last night, "If you are in, you are all the way in. If you are out, your out. There is no half-way, you decide."

I'm in, I know that. I want a marriage with Kelly. I want our family.

I stayed at Brian's last night, but am going to see the kids tonight after work. Kelly has asked me to take them camping for the weekend, and she'll do some stuff around the house and have a break.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July 14, 2010

I’m so confused by the situation with Kelly right now; good thing I’m seeing the counsellor after work tonight.

Yesterday Kelly responded to my email asking if I could come for supper after work. She missed me, the kids missed me etc. I brought some wine and pitched in with the cooking plus I unpacked some more stuff. Kelly wants to paint some of the rooms this weekend. I played badminton with the kids before they went to bed. All was well.

Kelly and I hung out, but it was late since it’s summer and neither kid feels the need to fall asleep before 11 anyway. By midnight I was thinking I needed to go, if I was going, since I had to get to work the next morning. Kelly wanted me to stay, which of course I wanted to do. But I forgot how she reacted on Sunday after we slept together.

Sure enough, same thing. She had had too much wine to really finish. I was exhausted by the time we fell asleep and in the morning, she freaked out again. She said I needed to leave before the kids got up because it would be too confusing for them if I was there since we were separated.

This was the first time she had said that word: separated. I thought I was just giving her some time by herself. What comes next? Dating other people?

Plus I had to go back to Brian’s to get clean clothes before work. Am I supposed to carry a ‘sleep-over bag’ when I go see my wife and kids?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

July 13, 2010

Kelly's tension about spending time with me continued last night. I called after work and she said she didn't want me to come up for the evening. She said she missed me but was too "conflicted" about her feelings to be sure. She said, as hard as it was, she thought it would be best if we did spend the time apart like she has told me right after the move. I asked her how long she thought she needed and she got cross saying she wasn't going to work to a deadline and was tired of me "being in control of the relationship and pushing her around all the time."

I asked her what she meant, like a specific, and she said she never wanted to move to Winnipeg in the first place. I reminded her that we went there because of the job opportunity, but it didn't make any difference.

Kelly said the kids really missed me so she wanted me to plan to see them tonight after work. I asked how she wanted me to do that because they couldn't stay with me at Brian's and it didn't make sense to drive up to take the to McDonald's for an hour then drive back again. She said that was fine and she'd tell the kids I didn't really want to see them and hung up.

I called back three times and got no answer.

This morning when I got to work there was a long email about how much she loved me but didn't feel the same after that day at the bank when she found out how much our mortgage and line of credits were. She felt she needed to save herself and the kids from a life of debt (even though I have the only income and give her my entire pay cheque to manage all the bills and expenses).

Again, I responded requesting we go to marriage counselling together. So far no response, but if she was up late (like 3 or 4 am) it will be a while before she reads it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

July 9, 2010

Just over a week has passed since I arrived with the moving truck, the kids and dogs. Kelly had flown out from Winnipeg a week earlier to get started on painting the house while I finished packing up the truck. The kids and I had a great trip across the Prairies and through the mountains, really feeling the Canadian spirit. In fact, I felt very much like the "husband and provider" pulling into the driveway with all our belongings ready to start our new life in BC. Where she demanded we return five months ago.

So imagine my surprise when, rather than thank me for all the effort of loading the moving truck, towing the minivan and busting my ass driving through an Alberta heat wave (not to mention the pay cut that was necessary to take this new job), Kelly said that once the truck was unpacked she didn't want me to move my clothes in! That she wanted to spend some time not living with me! What the fuck?

Okay, I knew back in Winnipeg she wasn't happy, and had said it was time to come home the Victoria. She said she was going to go whether I came or not. She had been talking to some old friend from high school who 'apparetnly' told her she could move home if she wanted to, and that I wasn't listening.

But that's for another time.

So I've now got this empty moving truck and no place to live. I've been staying at her mom's for the past 2 months while I got settled into the new job and the kids finished school in Manitoba. Plus Kelly got the house sold for a really good price. So much for the recession.

I said I could stay with her mom for a few nights a week and give her some time to settle in. Plus it's a bit of a commute to work from the new house, so I can work late and rack up some overtime. Kelly said she would prefer I didn't stay with her mom because it might be awkward.

"Why awkward? "I asked, since her mom and I get along really well. Better than I do with my own mom.
"Because if I'm there with somebody my mom is going to feel awkward," she said.
Now I've got that sick feeling in my stomach. "Somebody like who?"
"I don't know, but if I see somebody I might want to go to my mom's and use the beach."

Long story short, she apparently wants to see other people and I have a sinking feeling she already has somebody in mind.

So I've been staying with a friend from work who has an empty basement suite for the summer and going up every other night to see Kelly and the kids. And I saw this work-counselor yesterday to get his advice. It actually ended up being more like therapy and he said I should keep a journal of my feelings.

I don't know what is going to happen, but sitting here on a Friday, all I can think is: What happens if my marriage is over? How can I be a father like this? Who am I if I'm no longer a husband? I didn't think I was really very good being a single guy before her, so what does the Paul look like?

Who is Man 2.0?

July 12, 2010

This was a pretty good weekend, all things considered. I stayed at the house with Kelly and the kids. We did more unpacking of boxes and started to tackle the yard. I came up after work on Friday and BBQ’d burgers with the kids and Kelly said for me to stay for the night so I didn’t have to drive up again in the morning. We slept together but didn’t have sex.

Saturday was just like normal, like back in Winnipeg. We had coffee and breakfast all together. Then the day was productive: moving furniture, hanging pictures etc. Tyler mowed the front yard (after I got a new air filter for the mower). Late afternoon, Kelly went to the nursery and bought several flats of flowers while I went to the store for beer and wine.

That night I BBQ’d chicken and corn on the cob and we sat out on the back deck enjoying the sunshine while the kids played badminton. That was a good moment. After the kids went to bed we stayed up until 2 watching movies. Then we made love but it took her forever to cum. I was pretty exhausted and I think she was sort of passing out.

Sunday morning, was weird, right away; it was like everything had changed. Kelly was very agitated and tense. It was like she couldn’t wait to get me out of there. Around 2 PM, she picked a fight with me over a mop I left behind in Winnipeg, like it was the end of the world. It didn‘t matter that I could barely shut the door of the moving truck, and packed way more things that she even asked for.

I said I can just buy another mop and she said this was why we couldn’t be together because we’ll never get out of debt with me always doing this stuff. Am I always leaving mops behind when we move?

I hate that “You always” and “You never” stuff. And she uses it only for bad stuff, not good. I’d like to hear, “You always listen to me,” or “You never raise your voice in anger”.

Anyway, I left to stay with my buddy again, but not before Kelly said I needed to find somewhere to stay where the kids could come too. What does that mean?